via GarryKnight on Flickr

Restaurateur-to-be Bruce Buschel put together a popular list of 100 things he thinks wait staff should never, ever do. Many of these lessons also apply to church ushers and greeters. Here are the ones (in the original order) worth sharing with your welcoming ministry.

Don’t Act Like a New York Waiter and Other Things Church Ushers Should Never Do

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.
(Substitute “church” for “restaurant” and the advice still holds up.)

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?”

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.
WRONG! Wear a name tag by all means and introduce yourself if appropriate. Of course, skip the flirting; leave that to the young adults ministry.

8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.
(A smile will do if your guests are already in conversation.)

9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.
(Speak meaningfully.)

14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.

15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc.
(The corollary for churches is to offer a bulletin or program up front.)

25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.
(Clean up the pews. Make sure the entrance area is neat.)

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.
WRONG! A helping hand or a handshake can be appropriate at times.

33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by.
Duh.

34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.
WRONG! You can display some humanity, but take it easy.

35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests.
(Share the doughnuts after Mass.)

36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage. Or the incense.

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.
(Again, not before Mass.)

38.Do not call a guy a “dude.” 39. Do not call a woman “lady.”
(Ushers probably can greet them without such terms.)

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do.
(Mea culpa.)

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.
WRONG! It’s not insulting, but it is inappropriate. Don’t suggest that what’s on the outside is more important than the inside.

45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests.
(%$@*& good advice.)

46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.
WRONG! Kids and seniors are exceptions.

47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.
(Don’t gossip at all!)

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.
Don’t ask for the donation on the way in.

50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout.
Be sincere.

That’s my take on the dos and don’ts for ushers from the original list. What are the best ushers at your church doing?

Is that long line on Halloween leading to house that gives out full-size candy bars? Nope, it’s the crowd clamoring for Twitter lists, the hottest topic this week in our Twitter recap. As these lists move out of beta into the mainstweam, everyone’s finding it’s a great way to organize your friends and to find new folks to follow. Services like Listorious.com offer a handy list of lists organized by topic.

As you get into the spirit of All Hallow’s Eve with a gallery of Twitter pumpkins, here are some things to do on Twitter when you’re dead. Speaking of dead things, is privacy’s demise the fault of Twitter or because kids took over Twitter?

COSTUME IDEAS

• You might be a clown for Halloween, but don’t be one on Twitter
• A blog dressed up as tweets
• A former LinkedIn and Facebook guy now plays a Twitter role
• Your own news network, Ochocinco style
• Wanna put a costume on your background image and avatar for Halloween? And then change it back automatically? Twiback can help. Or see more Twitter wallpaper examples (hat tip @cheth)
• UK reporters
• Maybe you should just be yourself (hat tip @imrogb) and not Larry Johnson

HOW MUCH DID YOU GET?

• Does Twitter have a business model?
• Options for measuring ROI
• Real-time tweets in ads

COULD YOU TELL IT WAS ME?

• How to Channel Your Twitter Voice works for churches, not just businesses (via @danschawbel)
• Twitter vs Facebook status updates
• Round up of how to influence tweeters and others
• Your Twitter connections will make a difference with Google’s social search
• If you’re not  on the map with Twittermap.tv then you might need to send a message in a bottle

ROVING BANDS OF CONFERENCE ATTENDEES

• Web 2.0 Summit
• Presentation slides for “Conversation 2.0: Twitter” – great way to recreate a presentation — just scroll down at to see the slide and read the narration.
• Presenting with Twitter

TRICKS

• More suspicious DMs this week. Click with caution. It helps to have articulate friends because these cryptic phishing DMs tend to be poorly written.
• All your tweets are belong to us, your employer
• Retweet button scripts
• 4 ways to add Twitter to your site

BLAME TWITTER

Twitter costs UK economy billions of dollars…but it also offers companies good ideas.

WORD

And let’s wrap up with this: Do you ever wonder if jack-o’lantern one word? What about trick-or-treaters? How about Twitter in one word, asked Social Media Today. What was the word on Twitter this week for you?

via ph7labs.com

Were you asleep at the controls or arguing about work policy and missed some Twitter news this week? Read on for Twitter headlines for the week of October 23, 2009.

The biggest news this week was answering the question, Who’s going to pilot our search for the latest Twitter topics? Bing declared itself the captain, but Google quickly responded with its own me-too (without a specific date, but it didn’t seem to matter).

If those absent minded Northwest pilots are looking for new jobs, Twitter can help although changing their avatar might not be a good idea (hat tip @TweetforBiz). Or was the in-flight movie that good? (Sure beats in-stream advertising, which might make you reach for the airsick bag.)

If those pilots try to go underground, take note that the CIA bought a stake in Twittering-monitoring service. But aren’t those protected tweets in fact exposed by Google asked the LA Times? Turns out the answer is no.

Maybe the pilots were location-challenged and should filter tweets by location. Or does that only work with politics? Maybe they should have spent more time at church or with the Bible.

In other Twitter developments…

Twitter Services and Apps

• Klout measures influence on topics across the social web to find the people the world listens to (hat tip @jmpineda)
• Trendistic – see trends in Twitter
• See what’s trending on Twitter and why with WhatTheTrend.com
• P2 theme for WordPress for Twitterizing your site with live, inline comments
• 140trans – social translations for your tweet
• 9 Open Source Microblogging Applications
• 16 Cool Sites To Get Free Twitter Backgrounds
• Buddy Media releases tool for updating and tracking social media. Maybe they can make a tracker for airline flights?

Twitter News

• Twitter hits 5 billion tweets (not sure what that drops to if you exclude Guy Kawasaki and Scoble)
• Mob Rule! How Users Took Over Twitter
• Twitter supports net neutrality
• Pew says 1 in 5 tweet or do other status updates (but it’s 4 out of 5 dentists)
• Comcast: Twitter Has Changed The Culture Of Our Company
• #BeatCancer Sets Guinness World Record

Twitter Tips

• Can Twitter Replace RSS for Sharing the Best of the Web?
• Segment your audience
• Twitter abbreviations
• 5 Twitter Tips You May Not Know
• 20 Hilarious (well, amusing) Twitter Comic Strips

What was the biggest Twitter item that flew onto your radar this week?

Every fall brings football, changing leaves and a spike in searches for Veterans Day Prayers. This year I’ve expanded my Veterans Day Prayers list to include even more prayers and some Veterans Day videos. If you have a favorite prayer or video for the list, please add it so we honor those whose sacrifices preserve our freedom to have an open, public discussion about religion.

via GraphicLeftovers.com

While everyone asks if the Balloon Boy flight was a hoax or not, there’s no doubt that spammers are for real and this week Twitter made it easier to nail problem accounts.

The flying tinfoil chef’s hat created a media feeding frenzy, which shouldn’t be confused with a Twitter feeding frenzy. While it might not get you a reality TV show, using pictures with Tweets can engage people and attract followers (hat tip @zaibatsu).

Balloon Boy wasn’t the only one soaring as we learned that Facebook soars while Twitter slows and Gourmet magazine sank, but don’t blame Twitter. The truth also came out this week as we jolly well asked if there’s such a thing as a secret anymore with Twitter all around us. There has to be better ways to get through, especially since email no longer rules.

But if you’re into tinkering with crazy devices in your online backyard, try out your own jQuery Twitter ticker, implement a Twitter reactions badge with Juitter and jQuery (if you dare), keep plugged in with WordPress and Powerpoint or draw your own conversations. And before you go soaring, make sure you have a good soundtrack, such as starting with these rock bands on Twitter.

Yet when you really think about it, what kind of person would actually get into an unproven contraption? A dummy? And does their social class determine their online social network? Or would seeing the right doctor make a difference? Perhaps it’s time they learned some etiquette, such as from their teachers or from top colleges.

After all the balloon boy hype, if it turns out that nothing really happened, would that be like a Seinfeld episode? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, you might ask yourself, Are you Tweet worthy? Quick, check with the Seinfeld cast.

Featured items from this church marketing podcast include:

• The Lighter Side Of Metrics Today (MediaPost.com), hat tip @steveplunkett
• Restaurants and Church Websites (MediaSalt.com)
  • You can get anything you want at (St.) Aloysisus’s Restaurant/Church
• ChurchMojo Posts:
  • This Week in Twitter – Nobel Prize Edition
  • How to Find a particular user’s Tweets

Tweet of the Week

• @LinkedInExpert RT @oldtownyoga: “The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man.” G.K. Chesterton
  

Picks

• Moe: Catechism of the Catholic Church Board
• Joe: Free Church Images from IonaScribe including
• Mark: MyParentsWere Awesome
  Free PSD Twitter Background Template | Fuel Your Creativit
  http://www.fuelyourcreativity.com/free-psd-twitter-background-template/

The Look Ahead

• Nov. 8, Orphan Sunday

Faux Sponsor:

• Godiva Chocoiste milk chocolate covered pretzels

Ever wanted to search through the tweets from one specific person? Looks like I’m not the only one. Read on for your options.

Twitter Conversation About Searching an Individual's Tweets

1. If the tweets are from within the past 10 days or so, you can use Twitter’s search engine with the syntax from:username [keywords]. Here’s the link if you wanted to search for recent tweets from Danny Sullivan that included the word “Google”.
   from:danny sullivan google
2. But what if you want to go back further than 10 days? Twitter tends to drop results after 10 days, but Google doesn’t. Perform a site-specific Google search of the Twitter user’s account using the syntax site:twitter.com/username [keywords]. Here’s what it looks like if you wanted to search all tweets from St. Charles Church’s Twitter account that include the word “Mass”:
   site:twitter.com mass
   (I’ve added the following parameters to the URL: &pws=0 to turn off personalization, &filter=0 to include supplemental results and &num=100 to get 100 results on a page instead of just 10 blue links.
3. Another options is Searchtastic.com, which will perform a similar search as Google (albeit slowly). Here’s the previous query repeated on Searchtastic. The strength of this new tool is the ability to search through a user’s tweets along with the people that user follows. Very helpful for tracking down conversations, especially when some tweets out a request for a recommendation and doesn’t bother to share the results. (If you turn to your followers for an answer then don’t you think they might be interested in the answer as well?)

Those are the options I use, but I’m sure there are others. How do you search an individual’s Twitter stream?

Update – October 22, 2009: Bing is getting in on the searching Twitter action, which is generating a lot of attention. Not to be outdone, Google announced a similar plan albeit without a specific date. Nevertheless, Google succeeded in diluting the perceived exclusiveness of Bing’s announcement by inserting itself into the same news cycle.

In a week where President Obama won the Nobel Prize (ooh, prizes announced on Twitter; big whoop says UK’s High Court) after being nominated less than a fortnight into his term, will one of your aspirational tweets lead to a Pulitzer Prize? Let’s look at more prize developments in the Twitterverse this week.

KANYE WEST AWARD

Make your acceptance speech better with Speakers: Learn from Twitter Hecklers from DontGetCaught.biz and How Speakers Should Integrate Social Into Their Presentation from Web-Strategist.com.

PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARD

6 Great Twitter Quiz and Polling Apps from ReadWriteWeb.com.

ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST PICTURE

@copyblogger says “What if you could only speak in 140 character snippets in real life? Hilarious video“ [warning: crude]. Or more literally, was the best picture this image of Twitter vs Facebook vs MySpace from the Chicago Tribune? Or perhaps Visualizing conversations on Twitter and Flickr from Flink Labs?

And while we’re out on the red carpet, let’s take a look at Who Rules The Social Web? from InformationIsBeautiful.net.

EMPLOYEE OF THE YEAR

Workers of the world–unite. But not online. A Majority of Companies Prohibit Social Networking on the Job, CIO Survey Reveals says Robert Haft, Companies Say No to Friending or Tweeting according to Law.com, which leads to Oh the Irony from StopBlocking.org.

TEACHER OF THE YEAR

100 Twitter Feeds To Make You a Better Teacher from OnlineCourses.org

HANDYMAN OF THE YEAR

Whoever gets this prize might use The Software Developer’s Ultimate Guide to Twitter Tools from PDFConverter.com or Ident Engine’s javascript library that retrieves and aggregates profiles from across the web.

TWITTER PRIES DATA OUT OF THE STREAM

Twitter Talking Separately to Microsoft and Google About Big Data-Mining Deals according to All Things D, Uncovering Connections on Twitter Could Become Big Business says ReadWriteWeb.com and is Social Media: The Next Great Gateway for Content Discovery? asks Nielsen. Brian Solis was Revealing the People Defining Social Networks as The Speed of Share (TechCrunch) made Clive Thompson wonder How the Real-Time Web Is Leaving Google Behind.

MILE HIGH INDUCTEE

Lufthansa will tweet your altitude, location and departure/arrival times for you. Adobe Air not required.

THE GOLDEN NUGGET

Golden Twitter Nuggets & Takeaways From SMX East from Search Engine Land.

WWWTWITTER.com: BEST WEBSITE EVER?

EYES ON THE PRIZE

TweetMeme Analytics Show You How Retweets Spread on Twitter (Mashable), Tweetmeme and TechCrunch.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN TWEET

So Your Client Says They Want to Get on Twitter (CSS-Tricks.com) then here’s How to Demo Twitter (AllTop) and then tell them about Using Twitter to Form Communities of Practice (eLearningStuff) and What Can Twitter Do for My Library and Community. If they’re still not sure, hand them the Twitter Decision Flowchart, but make sure they know about the Ten Things You Need to Stop Tweeting About (The Oatmeal.com).

But what should they tweet about? WordPress users can now automatically tweet new posts if you want to go with the quasi-robot approach. CMS on Twitter Poll Results shows a more personal touch by asking your audience instead of assuming you know. One thing you may not want to know is exactly where your audience is tweeting, such as from the bathroom as Tweeting More Ubiquitous Than Other Electronic Socializing (Media Post).

LONGEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

Long lists still rule.

CRACKER JACK PRIZE — IT’S FREE

FREE PowerPoint Twitter Tools from SapWeb 2.0.

And if we had a Twitter comedian handing out these prizes, they might say “Hey, you know how journalists count? 1… 2… Trend!” (from @sdkstl via  @r).

Who else deserves a Twitter prize this week? We could try Crowdeye Twitter Search and Your Headlines on Twitter from TwittLink and Find shareable lists of people on Twitter from TwilList for ideas, but I’d rather hear who you’d nominate this week. Share them below.

Featured items from this church marketing podcast include:

• Goodbye cli.gs URL shortening service (hello bit.ly)
• Google freebies for churches:
  • Use Google Docs as a cheapo contact form
    (ChrisBrogan.com)
  • Google Calendar on Your Site: Part One (The Simple Way) (MediaSalt.com)
• Social Media Lessons I Learned from Paul Shaffer: Be remarkable and learn how to draw on the power of others
  Many Notes, Chords To Musical Sidekick Shaffer’s Life by Steve Inkseep, NPR Morning Edition ( or mp3 version)
• Video ideas for your church?
  American Statesman videos via @amzam
• Are You A Christian Hipster? (not if you’re Catholic apparently) via @holycowcreative

Tweet of the Week

• @lkr People generally follow because they like the person, not because they like the tweets
  
  Do you think this could apply to followers of Jesus?

Picks

• Moe: Brilliant Church Photography (inspiks.com)
• Joe: MinistryBestPractices.com
• Mark: Productive Catholic.com
  From the site: it “is designed to give Catholics tools and ideas on how to optimize their time and money in order to focus on their life’s purpose: to worship God and help others.”
  Free PSD Twitter Background Template | Fuel Your Creativit
  http://www.fuelyourcreativity.com/free-psd-twitter-background-template/

Fantasy Sponsor:

• Edy’s Loaded Butterfinger

Get schooled in this week’s highlights from Twitter.

Math

Reporter + Opinion +Twitter =  (-job)
TechCrunch and Paid Content have the details about the Washington Post reporter who’s out of a job for giving up the appearance on objectivity on Twitter. Ready to add a social media policy to the equation for your church staff and volunteers?

Via WebDesignerDepot.com

Twitter + Flickr = Portwiture.com
Here’s a God’s eye view of Flickr thumbnails based on the topics of your tweets. Want more art? Try Mashable’s look at Twitter art. Or art and statistics?  Try Visualizing Twitter Statistics x100.

Retailers Say Facebook > Twitter

eMarketer and AllFacebook.com take a look at the differences between the two services.

I > U
News flash: people would rather talk about themselves than the junk you’re selling according to Mashable’s coverage of a Rutgers study.

140
Twitter apps by user rating.
Source: @dannysullivan

650+
That’s the number of Twitter icons and graphics available from GraphicAlerts.com

Cosine? No, CoTweet

TwiTip covers how to use this service when you have multiple accounts (your own and your main church account) or multiple users (such as volunteers and staff)

Gym

Try Patrick Moberg’s workout plan.

Geography

Street (Stweet?) Named After Twitter Account
Take a left @ the next corner.

Health

H1N1 fears aside, designing for contagiousness is important for Twitter and beyond according to Mr. ReTweet Dan Zarrella.

But don’t give yourself a bad reputation. Three Top Ways to Damage Your Brand With Social Media – remember your church’s Twitter account.
Source: @KrisColvin

Economics

How To Measure Social Media Payoff
Source:  @JDEbberly

Blogs and Tweets – The million dollar pipe dream

Science Lab

A Closer Look at Twitter’s Explosive Growth

Current Events

Top news from top tweets with TweetPortal.com.

Shop Class

Helpful Twitter Tools from SmashingApps.com

Penmanship

Twitter Marketing: It’s More Like Email Than You Think…
…and that’s why it can be valuable if it were to include segmenting, A/B testing and such.

Why Are The Popular Kids So Fake?

Most Awesome Fake Twitter Accounts to Follow
Lunch.com pushes their Twitter list service (before Twitter’s version goes live) while offering some amusing fake ‘n’ funny Twitter accounts to follow, such as Kim Jong-Il, Chuck Norris and Darth Vader. But if you include those tough guys, what about @ChuckObama? And pithy fakers such as R2D2 and @TheMime? Who are your favorite fakers?

How did Twitter make news for you this week?